


Happy Ending

by Vienely



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 02:24:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19843609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vienely/pseuds/Vienely
Summary: It’s been 3360 days since I’ve met you. 1460 days since we were introduced as idols to the whole world. And 730 days since I realized I am in love with you. 730 days to hold myself not to kiss your lips…..but I’m sorry, I don’t think I can wait anymore.





	Happy Ending

**Author's Note:**

> Shout-out to [this beautiful video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYUgnUVdR3U) made by my partnered artist, [soonies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soonies/pseuds/soonies) for Soonwoonet's suite 1517 project. Please watch the video first before proceed reading the fiction. Thank you for making this project and we both sincerely hope you guys like it.

* * *

_It’s been 3360 days since I’ve met you._

_1460 days since we were introduced as idols to the whole world._

_And 730 days since I realized I am in love with you._

_730 days to hold myself not to kiss your lips…_

_..but I’m sorry, I don’t think I can wait anymore._

* * *

_It’s been 3360 days since I’ve met you._

_1460 days since we were introduced as idols to the whole world._

_And 2555 days since I realized I am in love with you._

_2555 days to hold myself not to hug you as mine…_

_…but it’s okay, I’m happy enough to see you smile._

* * *

“Are you okay?”

It was Jihoon. He plopped himself on my sheet. When I opened my eyes, his eyes were before me. Dark and deep with a tint of curiosity, as if he’s trying to read what’s inside my mind. Mop of similar dark locks fell from the top of his head onto my white linen. He’s as beautiful as I met him years ago, only lines of worry tainted his face here and there. Worry, of me. I could not say anything about it.

“I’m okay,” I smiled, the smile he hated so damn much.

I could hear him sighed in desperation.

“Soonyoungie…Just forget about him…”

Our foreheads were touching each other, not bothered a bit by the amount of sweat forming on mine. Jihoon frowned. His concern to my fever grew impatient as minutes kept ticking away from the clock on the wall.

“You’ve waited for him long enough” he continued. “And that feeling…it breaks you. From inside. From within. He broke you, Soonyoungie.”

I shook my head certainly without faltering my smile. His frown just got deeper.

“I’m okay, Hoonie, this is just a fever…”

I closed my eyes again, so I did not see how his gaze turned soft at my words. Yet, I could feel how he snuggled further into me, resting his head onto my shoulder with his arms wrapping around my torso. I curled up even more, breathing him in, craving for his comfortable warmth. The serene atmosphere he could always bring to my usual energetic self. Although for now, his was tainted by exhaustion and mine was tainted by longing.

A longing that slowly killed me.

“How many days has it been?”

He whispered in my quiet room.

“2562 days.”

No response came to that. I let him stay by my side. His chest was falling and rising in a constant pace, bringing peace to my loud, obnoxious mind. To all the perturbed voices murmured inside my head. Fear. Uncertainty.

‘ _You think too much…_ ’

Oh, how I wish I could stop.

I took a deep breath, once, to inhale Jihoon’s scent, sighing when some of my concern dissipated. And then, as I stared into his eyes, he was already staring at me all this time, sharing the same peaceful state as mine, until he opened his mouth.

“It’s too long of a time to keep a one-sided love, don’t you think, Soonyoungie?”

It hurt. I wonder how he always had a way to hit me right at the most fragile part of my heart.

* * *

“I won’t wait anymore.”

“What?”

I noticed his doe eyes bulged and red lips slightly ajar as he was looking at me like I had, unfortunately, lost my mind. I wouldn’t blame him for that, though. I would also think the same about myself.

Maybe he was not wrong.

Maybe I did lose my mind.

Maybe 737 days waiting for something to change between us was too long of a time, anyway.

“I won’t wait anymore,” I repeated. My voice was loud and clear. “737 days. 737 days, Cheol-hyung. I’ve waited for 737 days. Do you know how frustrating it is, 737 days having him always besides me and I can’t touch his lips with mine?”

Seungcheol scrunched his face. “Wow, okay, slow down. I don’t need that kind of vivid imagination, thank you very much,” he rolled his eyes.

I huffed as a sign of protest, like a little boy who was not allowed to possess a thing he had always wanted. He laughed and patted my head, making my hair tangled with his fingers in a brotherly caress. Ever since we became (partially) roommates, I felt like we’re getting closer day by day. He’s like an older brother I’ve never had, despite what others said about his childish behavior. For me, he’ll always be Cheol-hyung, someone I could trust with my whole life.

“Say, Wonwoo, you like him that much, huh?”

He snickered, so I gave him a harsh, judgmental look.

“ _Like_?” clear annoyance colored my tone. “I _need_ him, Hyung. My skin, my hands, my everything. They scream for _him_.”

I looked up, challenging his gaze dead on.

“He’s the air my lung needed to breathe.”

“Wow…,” Seungcheol muttered in amazement. “My Wonu-yah is whipped…”

This time, it was me who rolled eyes. Well, he could say anything, but it was not like I did not know he was whipped for a certain guy. Out of all people, Seungcheol was the least who could mock on how ‘whipped’ someone else was, considering he carried a torch for Jihoon the longest, even way before the thirteen of us met, when there was only Seungcheol and Jihoon both in that basement room.

But Seungcheol and Jihoon had a better story. He did not need to wait 737 days to say he loved him. He did not even have to fear Jihoon would reject him. It was so obvious, it’s almost like a joke.

A joke in which I didn’t mind to be its main character, for once.

I stood up, leaving his bed (because mine’s outside, mind you).

“Hey, where are you going?”

“Upstairs.”

“For…?” he arched one of his bushy eyebrows.

My hand was holding the door open, just a slight space to fit my slim figure within, when I halted my sure steps to answer our leader’s inquiry.

“Kiss him.”

An audible gasp.

“You wha—“ he was too damn late. “Wait, Wonu-yah! WONU! COME BACK HERE!”

I did not come back.

737 days I’ve been waiting.

I will wait nevermore.

* * *

“Stop.”

I turned my head. Beside me, there stood Jun.

“Hey,” I shrugged, then proceeded to do what I had been doing, storming my way in to our 14th floor dorm. Probably I was too eager to catch even Jun’s attention.

“Where do you think you’re going, Won?”

Confusion got me at first.

“Soonyoung’s room…?” my finger pointed at the said door, with my other hand had been holding its knob when he decided to interfere. I wished he would leave as fast as he appeared. He did not need to be here and I did not need anyone else coming with me.

Jun shook his head, “You can’t do that.”

Perhaps it was the accumulated fatigue I had been gathering since past several months. Perhaps Jun’s gesture and tone which seemed so _fucking_ sure of himself had rubbed me the wrong way. Whatever the reason was, almost immediately, my confusion changed to irritation. Seungcheol was our leader and even he could not stop me, so why did this guy named Wen Junhui think he could?

For what purpose were all these? Jealousy? Over protectiveness?

Did any of them even know the suffering I went through for 737 days?

“And why not?” words, escaped from my lips, were coated in obvious anger, dripped like a ripe and poisoned wine. Challenging him. Challenging everyone who wanted to come between us.

“’Cos you’ll only make things even worse,” with a poker face, he told me. “Also, Jihoonie’s inside. You may pass me, but you’ll never pass him.”

It made a crease on the bridge of my brows. What? Why would Woozi be with Soonyoung? I decided to ignore him and proceeded to open the door anyway. No answer would come if I did not confront the core of the problem. But then, a hand on my shoulder ceased my movement.

“Jun—“ it started to vex me. _He_ started to vex me.

“Wonwoo. Please, listen to me,” he said, now rather hurried as I did not seem backing away. “Hoshi…he’s not in a good condition. He’s sick, Won, and Jihoonie’s in there to help him.”

“Well, I can help him too.”

“No, no, you can’t.”

My face twitched and he chuckled.

“He’s a lot better now. Don’t worry,” he continued.

All of the time, he was staring at me with his cold, flat expression. Sometimes, he scared me. Jun in daily occurrence, in front of our fans and cameras, was the one with a lot of skinship and playful streaks, but us twelve knew better than that. Although not everything was an act, Jun could be scary when he wanted to. When he _needed_ to.

Like right now.

“He’s a lot better,” his voice was meek and he spoke to me in slow pace, as if he was making sure I heard each and every word clearly until it etched to the back of my brain. “But if you come inside now, he’ll break again. And I’ll make it _your_ responsibility if that happens.” He paused, then added. “But I won’t let that happen.”

Caught in a surprise, I did not register his fingers grasping my clothed shoulder tightly until they almost broke my skin if he kept adding more pressure to it. Weakly, I shrugged in order to get him off of me.

“What are you talking about?” my voice croaked.

“Won,” he looked at my eyes intently. “You’re not welcomed here.” He smiled sweetly in the contrast of those knife-like words, stabbing me to a pretty death. “Go back to your own dorm. Jihoon and I will take good care of him.”

“But—“

“JIHOONIE!”

“WHAT?!” a muffled shout came from behind the door.

“WONWOO’S HERE!”

It was quiet for seconds.

“MAKE HIM LEAVE!” Jihoon grumbled. He seemed annoyed by my sudden arrival.

“Told ya,” Jun gave me a cocky smile.

Once again, I ignored him. I turned to the door so fast, I almost hit my face to its surface. I did not care, though. I brought my fists to bang at it impatiently, almost clawing at the wooden material of the sturdy door. Blood be damned.

“Woozi! Soonyoungie! Open up! I wanna talk! I just—“

I just want to see _you_.

“Soonyoungie…"

If you heard me wailing like a kid from that side of the door, then so be it.

For you,

I would cry,  
I would steal,  
I would beg.

For you.

For you,  
for you,  
for you,

my 737 days.

“Won-ah…”

His voice, so weak, so soft, it made my heart skipped a beat. My banging on the door became erratic for my patience seeped away like water absorbed by a cloth. I won’t wait anymore. I won’t wait anymore!

“STOP! Soonyoungie, don’t-! JUN! JUNNIE! GET HIM OUT OF THERE! NOW!”

“C’mon, Won-“

“LET ME GO!” I elbowed his stomach. Jun winced with the sudden pain. “SOONYOUNGIE! SOONIE, OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!”

“WONWOO-YAH!”

Now it’s not only Jun and Jihoon. Now it’s also Seungcheol. He came to me, hair was unruly, fully dashed from our dorm. Both with Jun, they captured my arms. Strong grips which I feared would leave marks behind for our fans and agency to start questioning. I tried to pry them away, but one was never stronger than two in a brawl.

“Wonu, Wonu, please stop—“

“GET AWAY FROM ME, HYUNG! JUNNIE! LET ME GO!”

“Wonwoo, listen—LISTEN TO ME, GODDAMMIT!” with a loud sound, Jun slapped both my cheeks and kept his hands there, cupping them. He made me looking straight into his eyes. I could see tears forming on his eyes, threatening to burst any seconds now. His breathing started to quicken. “Please listen to me, Won. Whatever you’re feeling right now, he’s suffering ten times more. Just—“ His lower lip quivered as tears trickled beautifully down his cheeks. “ _—please_.“

“It hurts…”

“I know…”

I could feel salty tears on my own lips.

“I want to see him, Junnie. It hurts. It _fucking_ hurts…”

“I know, baby, I know…,” his voice crumbled into pieces.

“Why are you guys doing this to us…?”

However, it was not Jun who answered, but Seungcheol. He pulled me into his warm embrace. I clung to him tightly. It was the kind of hug he always gave to me. The kind of hug I was always longing from him, from my older brother from another mother and father. He ran his hand through my dark locks, trying his best to ease my pain.

“You’ll understand in near future, Wonwoo-yah,” his jaw tightened. “And I hope you’re ready.”

* * *

“He needs me.”

“No.”

“Hoon.”

“Soonie, look at you,” his tender palm on my cheek. “You’re losing yourself. He made you like this. I won’t allow him to see you if he’ll only make you wither even more.”

I snuggled my cheek more into his warm hand. Barely had energy left to retaliate or even deny of what he had said about him. He wouldn’t hurt me. He did not hurt me. Yet, for them, my words would fly off the window. They thought I did not know better. They thought I was stupid.

I guess they were right.

They’re protecting me from my own stupidity.

“But he needs me, Hoon…”

“I need you,” he insisted. “We need you. All of us need you. Your father and your mother need you.”

“Unfair,” anger sparked in my chest, so I pushed my head back from his comforting touch. “Don’t bring my parents into this, I—“

But I couldn’t continue.

Hurricane of unpleasant feelings swelled up from the pit of my stomach. The sensation was nothing new, yet it still hurt otherwise. One could never get used to it. I clutched my stomach with one hand, the other was grabbing the front of my neck.

I could feel it.

The thorns shredding my insides.

The asphyxiation which made me wheezing for more air.

The soft petals fluttered, tickling my pharynx.

I could feel them all.

Each and every piece of them.

I vomited a sea of purple flowers. Tiny, cute little flowers, mixed with my saliva and—Jihoon flinched—blood.

There’s blood.

It’s getting even worse.

As I inhaled more air and coughing more petals, Jihoon rubbed my back, patient but firm. He did not even bothered by the mess I had made. He let me vomit everything out. Fingers were ready to wipe each drop of my fat tears. My fever hiked up. Drool slobbered the lower part of my face. It was filthy. I was filthy.

“Soonyoungie, you need help,” I heard him say. “Stop loving him. 2562 days is too long. Stop loving him, Soon, I beg of you.”

Jihoon never begged.That, I knew of.

After I coughed out the last purple petal of this episode, I rubbed my drool away. My chest moved hard as I was still trying to breathe in a lot intake of oxygen in a short time.

“… _How_ …?”

He did not have an answer to that. Instead, he just hugged me desperately.

* * *

“Soonyoungie.”

He knew my voice. He once said it soothed him in the middle of the night. The kind of voice best heard among the still silence of a room.

“Soonyoungie, wake up…”

“Mmh…,” I watched him as he was slowly waking up. His closed lids twitched before revealing those beautiful dark orbs. With lips puckered and slanted eyes still drowned in apparent sleep, he looked even cuter than he usually did. Little by little, he realized it was me before him.

“Good morning,” I whispered a smile.

“Won-ah?” his fist rubbed his eyes. His fist was so small, it’s cute. Everything about him was so cute, it’s screaming at me to protect him, to hug him until eternity. He’s too cute for his own good.

“Morning? But—“ he looked around, only to notice how the street lamps in front of our dorm building still had their lights on. Inside the dorm, everything was still swallowed by the darkness. The serene of the night still lingered in the air. The whole world was still sleeping.

“It’s 2:30 AM. Technically, it’s morning.”

“Oh…,” he plopped to the bed again, looking at the ceiling for a while, saying nothing at all. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting.”

I was sitting on a wooden chair near his bed, using the back of the chair to perch my chin on one of my hand.

“And you’re waiting for?”

Promptly, I shook my head.

“Nothing.”

He looked at my direction until our gazes met.

“I won’t wait anymore,” a sly smirk formed on my face.

“Won…”

At that fleeting moment, I did not even realize exactly when my body had left the chair to kneel beside his bed. He turned to his side to see me better.

“I’ve been waiting, Soonie…,” as I whispered to his mouth, my hands crawled to find his. They both fit perfectly, just like they were meant to be. “I’ve been waiting. I won’t wait again.” My grip on his hand was tight. I poured my longing, my craving for him for all those excruciating days.

“Really…?” his smile, beautiful it was, yet so weak, so fragile. He looked like in a verge of crying. It gave me a bittersweet feeling all over.

“Really,” I said in assurance.

“For how long?”

Without hesitation, I kissed the back of his hand tenderly. Hands that once saved me. Hands that numerous times after still saved my soul.

“738 days.”

“Wow…”

“I know.”

“I also—“ he laughed when my kisses on his hands grew thirsty. Several small smooches on his skin like butterflies. The feeling of his smooth skin on my lips, tasting the taste I’d only dared to dream every damn night, alone in my bed, tormented. “—also been waiting—“

He coughed, cutting his own words.

“Really…?” my hands, reluctant as my lips, left his hands to card his hair, giving him gentle, repetitive strokes.

“Really,” he smirked.

“For how long?”

His odd smile stayed on his face, unbothered by my curiosity.

“2563 days.”

My hand on his hair stopped.

“Soonyoungie…,” I gasped.

He’s still smiling at me when I locked our gazes. Suddenly, it’s too difficult for me to breathe. Fear erupted uncontrollably from within my chest, making me dizzy. One single look and he knew exactly what I was thinking.

“I know. It’s been too long. Far too long from 1000 days,” he calmly said.

That’s impossible.

One could not wait for more than 1000 days. Everybody knew that. It’s the limit for one-sided love. If he passed that limit…

“No way…,” I choked on air.

“Won-ah,” a drop of tear fell from his eyes. “I’m dying.”

* * *

“Wonu-yah.”

“You knew.”

At my accusation, he replied nothing. I did not even look back at him. After leaving Soonyoung’s room hastily, claiming that I need a breath of fresh air, I found him in a daze in the dark hallway, waiting for me with his doe eyes full of pity, looking intently at me.

“You knew,” when no answer came, I repeated. “You knew about him dying. You knew about my feelings.”

This should not happen.This could not happen. We…we are… _in love_. Our feelings, they’re not one-sided at all. Both of us should be smiling under the astonishing stage light, holding hands, never letting go. We should be announcing to the microphone that we’re getting married. To our members, to our fans, to the world at large. The same idols to them, just officially a couple.

He should be smiling like a sun he always is, cheeks flushed with apparent happiness. Not that kind of smile I witnessed earlier…the one people gave on their deathbed…

I stared at him,  
lost in thoughts,  
lost in tears.

Lost in hopelessness which engulfed my whole being.

Everything. Everything turned upside down in an instant.

“Why…?” my voice was hoarse as I cried and cried, silent tears wetting my cheeks. “Why you didn’t tell me?”

He too, I noticed, was crying. His eyes had gotten red and when he sucked in air, his nose made a noise. “Woonwoo-yah, how many days have you been in love with him?” he asked.

“738 days.”

Seungcheol nodded a little.

“2563 minus 738 is?”

I frowned. I did not like where this conversation was going in a bit.

“1825 days,” when I didn’t answer, he did it for me.

“What’s your point—“

“It’s already too late,” he snapped, shutting my mouth up. I saw as he stepped forward, further and further until my back hit the wall. “Even if I said anything to you, he’s already in his 1825 days. It’s too damn late.”

I winced.

“Even if I said anything, what would you do then, huh? Confess to him? Propose him? Having kids with him, hoping that his sickness which gnawing him slowly from the inside will magically go away?”

I gritted my teeth, too angry to even reciprocate with the same amount of insult. “Hyung, stop,” it’s the only warning I managed to hiss. And then I added. “Please.”

Seungcheol sighed. Mad as he was, he’s still a softhearted guy, especially to me. He stroke my cheek lightly with his gentle thumb.

“If only you’re 1564 days earlier…”

That line flung like a javelin right through my heart. The truth lay within it hurt me the most. It did not matter he told me about Soonyoung’s feelings or not.

Either way, I was too late.

My head lolled, dangling to the front like I had lost any will to live. My eyes bore through the wooden flooring our dorm had, until I decided to stare at him again. He was still there, waiting patiently for me.

“Now what should we do, Hyung?”

He smiled faintly. “The reason he’s dying is because he has been refusing all medical treatment that we offered. This disease, you know, should’ve disappeared completely if the heart found its other half within 1000 days frame, but,”

He fell silent. I didn’t blame him.

“It’s not a rare case…for someone to have one-sided love for more than 1000 days,” I raked my brain, searching for a way out. Something. Anything. As long as it helped him prolonging his death.

“It’s not,” Seungcheol nodded. “If the said someone’s been taking his medicine diligently.” He gave me a sad chuckle. “Your boyfriend there is a one hell of a stubborn, Wonwoo-yah.”

I know. I love him for that too.

"Okay, let's bring him to the doctor."

"He won't budge—“

"I will bring him," with a new determination, I turned around, going back to his room. "Whatever it takes"

* * *

“No.”

“Soonyoungie.”

“I don’t want to.”

I huffed, then turned my back to him. He groaned, a sound so desperate even to my ears. Well, he was not the first person trying to take me to professionals. I love him so much, but he’s not getting what he wanted, that’s for sure. Seungcheol-hyung used to whine a lot whenever this ridiculous idea popped onto his mind. Jihoonie just nagged me like a fussy grandmother. Jeonghan-hyung did try once, but after I kept refusing, he sighed discontentedly and stroke my hair.

He, instead, crawled into my bed.

It startled me, but he gave me no mercy, left me with no time to react at all to his bony but strong arms wrapped around my torso, to his face buried in the crook of my neck. He breathed right beside my ear, sending shivers down my spine. My heart began to palpitate. I could hear it resounding in my own ears and prayed to God so that he couldn’t hear it as well.

However, my chest oddly felt hurt. It’s like the petals were angry by his sudden intrusion. To be very honest, I didn’t quite comprehend why they’re angry. These petals…they’re all _him_. They’re the personification of him. Small, cute, looks fragile…yet, its thorn the sharpest. Its persistence the strongest. Even the color…it’s his favorite one. Purple.

These petals inside me were all him.

So, I didn’t get why these tinie, tiny personifications of him _hated_ the real him.

My stomach acted up again. It hurt so bad when these petals got angry, because they lashed out their fume by expanding their thorns, reaching my insides to leave permanent scars behind. Scars that I did not know how many I had had. Scars that ripped my flesh, gushing liters of blood, which then I vomited out. These petals made me hot and bothered, and whimpered in pain.

“Baby, are you okay?” he whispered against my nape before slowly kissed it.

 _Baby_.

It did not skip pass me. God, if only you said it 2000 days earlier…

When I didn’t respond, he continued his quiet, husky murmur.

“Soonyoungie, you need help. If we can do anything to make you feel better, we would. But we also have limitation. Let us help you finding professionals to assist you further into their field, okay?”

“No.”

Stubborn little shit, am I?

“Soon—“

“I don’t need help,” I mumbled. “I need you.”

This time, he smiled. I knew. I could feel the ghost of his lips grazed my skin.

“I need you too. God, I need you, baby…,” his hug on my waist tightened as he pulled me closer. Closer to his body, to his heart, to his lips. Said lips were leaving kisses all over my face. Kisses that I used to imagine for 2500 days. Kisses that sometimes lead to even wetter dream, only to be woken up harshly, leaving shattered feelings from the bucket of icy reality and shameful that I got turned on by indecent thoughts of my best friend. Kisses that I only dared to dream on.

Wonwoo.

Even the ring of his name was enough to make me choke on my own breath, of my own surging feelings.

Jeon Wonwoo.

Wonwoo, Wonwoo, Wonwoo.

If only…if only you could hear every moment, every second, my heart beats to your name inside me. Jeon Wonwoo…Jeon Wonwoo…I am so in love with you, it’s almost like a bad joke.

“I need you to keep me alive, Soonyoungie. But if you don’t get help, how can I stay alive, knowing there won’t be you in it?” desperation was caught in his wavered voice. His fingers slightly trembled upon my skin, so did his lips on my ear shell. I stood there, waiting for him to continue, as I always did.

“Don’t die, Won-ah…,” when he came with nothing, I replied.

“Then don’t you dare die on me too,” he growled, almost dangerously impatient. It gave me a bit of a shock. “I don’t fucking care you want it or not, I’ll bring you to the doctor first thing tomorrow morning, even if I have to carry you miles from here.”

I snorted, then said, “You lack the stamina, boy.”

He arched one of his brows.

“You want proof?”

His nails dig deeper into my skin as his grip tightened. He shifted until his hip touch my behind.

“W-Won—“

“Fuck, I need you… _all of you_ …”

He licked my nape. His breath tickled, sending me shivers.

What is this?  
What is this crazy, needy lust he injected me with?  
What did this man do to melt my brain into a puddle by mere words?

Words are only words.

But his hands.  
And his lips.

Everywhere he touched, it burnt. Like a raging fire. I didn’t know any of this before. I didn’t know I could feel this kind of insanity. Of insatiability and greed, and how I wanted to possess this man until not even his single cell was unmarked by me, and mine by him. Of loving and giving. Of taking, and taking, until there’s nothing more left to be taken. Of receiving, so much love. So, so much. Too damn much, he suffocated me with it. Drowned me into his abyss, trapping both of us in too deep.

“Soonyoungie…”

We locked gazes. Sweaty bangs framed his handsome face. I swiped my thumb lovingly, too tired and sated to do much more.

“I love you.”

Once again, his lips met mine, for the umpteenth times all dawn. It’s not enough. Never enough. We’re both too thirsty for each other’s lips, been craving for all of our lives.

“I’m so in love with you…”

With every love he gave me, my heart swelled little by little. And, in turn, I hope that for each kiss we shared, one petal withered inside my body.

If so,

if that’s really what happened,

then I would kiss him for eternity.

* * *

He’s been taking his medicine so well. I guess I could say I’m a proud boyfriend.

At first, the doctor, whom I brought him to, yelled angrily at us. He asked what took us so long to seek treatment and scolded us for it. The disease is, by current advance in medicine, treatable, unlike in the past. Yes, Soonyoung was way beyond the limit, but it’s no longer under lethal category. Even medicine for cancer has been diligently developed, resulting in lesser mortality rate.

Upon hearing it, I unconsciously heaved a sigh, and, without warning, pulled him into a warm embrace. He, of course, protested, since we were out in public (private appointment room with a doctor, sadly, still considered ‘public’ to him) and we’re both idols, but I did not give a damn.

“You’re gonna be alive…”

He stopped squirming out of my hug.

“Yeah…”

“I need you alive…”

“Yeah…”

Warm breath tickled my lips when he looked up to see my face.

So, I kissed him.

Lips soft and limbs tangled together.

His arms, around my broad back.  
My arms, around his taut waist.

Then, a cough, came like a reprimand for us to not grow further into the kiss. We separated in an instant with both faces flushed hard, mumbling soft apology to the third person in the room. He just smiled at us, even congratulated him for finally finding the ultimate cure of the Flower Disease, or Petals Disease, whatever its actual name was (it was too pretty, anyway, for something this deadly).

For finding love from the person who inflicted it.

He smiled shyly and glanced at me.

“Okay now, if you’re going to continue, I’m more than happy to declare that this session is over. I’ll write you some prescriptions, sending you for blood work, and I’ll see you next week,” the doctor said as he saw my head leaned into him once more without my knowing. Clearly, he was not eager to witness another kissing scene. And, clearly, I was not able to contain myself not to touch him, since I somehow always found myself gravitating towards him, like he’s the ground I needed to stand on my own two feet.

“Mr. Boyfriend, please make sure he takes all of his medicine, okay?”

I, with a full pride of my new attained title and the body of my beloved, very much alive, breathing and leaning on my side, spread him a toothy smile.

“Sure, Doc.”

He underwent every test assigned and never missed any of his medicine. I was always there with him, walking side by side with him to all of his sessions, all of his therapies. Slowly but surely, he was getting better. The lingering smell of death wiped off of his whole being. Our other members noticed this too. They let out a deep sigh of relief when we informed them and pulled us into a big group hug, all 13 of us. The kind of hug we used to share a lot before debut to console ourselves together. Their eyes, as well as mine, were puffy from so many tears, yet we’re all grinning like fools.

They were afraid of losing him as much as I was.

At that time, I really felt them as a family.

He looked at me from under various arms hugging him, patting his head, caressing him with affection, with snot running down his nose and eyes glistening from tears. Then, he smiled. He smiled in joy and I smiled back.

I believed that this was it.

The perfect ending.

Our Happy Ending.

* * *

Now, as much as I wanted to tell you ‘and they lived happily ever after, the end’, that was not what happened at all. Sure, he was happy. We were both happy for the last five years of his life. Everything went great for all of us.

Just as Seungcheol-hyung’s previous mocking, I did propose to him. On stage, in front of the camera, witnessed by our other 11 ‘family’ members, both our parents in VIP section, our manager-hyungs and the rest of the agency, and, of course, our fans. I got down to one knee, just by the book. He was stunned beyond belief, just standing there dumbfounded, before I soon noticed that he was crying a river. So, I hugged him, laughing to his ears and, at the same time, praising how cute his reaction was, how proud I was seeing him getting better and better, thankful for his constant effort. And how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

“Marry me?”

“….”

“Soonyoungie?”

He nodded in my embrace. Too embarrassed to face the crowd. I let him used my body to wail and sob, until the tears subdued, then came laughter. We laughed together in ultimate joy. People said idiocy is contagious. Well, as long as I’m with him, I’ll be a complete idiot for all I care.

It’s also funny that, a month after our wedding, we found out he was already pregnant all along. It was a boy, by the way, a very cute and adorable little ball of sunshine, just like his mother. He was always happy whenever I said that to him. Then, in our monthly visit to the grave, he would always sit on the stone by his mother’s side, talking with him in cheery tone, as if Soonyoung was really there with him, sitting, laughing, and petting his head lovingly.

Sometimes, it got tears on my eyes.

He was getting better, it’s true.  
He was way healthier, full of vigor, of life, of hopes and dreams, it’s true.  
The doctor said that he’ll be fine for a long time, it’s also true.

But sometimes,  
sometimes,

we just don’t have a choice, you know?

Sometimes,  
all we can do is trying hard,  
but the last decision will never be ours.

Probably—this is what Shua said to me on the day of his funeral—that God loves him more than all of us, more than I ever was.

So, God takes him first, because He just misses him so damn much.

And who the fuck will not miss Soonyoung?

He’s the most…the most adorable, the most beautiful person ever alive, inside and out. The most lovable person in the world.

He was mine in life.  
But he was His even way before that.

So I let him go.

Instead, I raised our equally beautiful son, so that he could grow up just as happy as his mother was, as his mother would wish him to be.

“Papa! See, I told you!”

“Hmm?”

“Mama! He’s smiling!” his puffy cheeks grew bigger as he grinned widely. “Mama’s so pretty smiling~”

I could not help but blink. It was not the first time he said such things, yet it always kept me alert. Well, if he had that kind of ability, then I guess that’s…good? He’s a special kid. But I always believed Soonyoung’s son should be special. Just like his mother often said, ‘Go big or go home’.

Anyway.

“Really? Mama’s smiling?”

He nodded eagerly.

“Tell him I love him, Haneul-ah.”

“Mama said he knew it already. He’s bored hearing it from you over and over.”

I laughed.

“Well, tell him to stay bored, then, because I will always say it to him all over again,” I lifted my head to what I assumed to be the direction of him, based on how our son was sitting. “I love you, Soonyoungie. Was, now, always. I need you, baby, I always do…”

Little fingers swept my cheek. I must be crying without my knowing. My hand took those little fingers to kiss them with all of my heart. This warm little body in my arms was his and mine. The most important treasure from him.

And suddenly, I could feel it.

A kiss on my lips.

It was light. Such a breeze of wind, but strangely warm and sweet. It was Soonyoung’s, that I’m sure of.

‘ _I love you too, Won-ah_ …’

“Papa?”

“Hmm?”

“Papa is also pretty smiling~”

We laughed.

* * *

_Thank you._

_Thank you, thank you, thank you._

_For being alive._  
_For meeting me._  
_For falling in love with me._  
_For giving me this beautiful child._

_For choosing me to be with you until your last breath._

_Thank you._

_I love you._

_I always love you._

_My 5185 days._

* * *

**-FIN-**


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